Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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