So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
