I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
