So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
