So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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