Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
