Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
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