last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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