at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
