you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The uberlube is also flammable
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
