He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
