I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
