I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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