My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
