Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
