Your dad touched me again.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize