How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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