I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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