i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
