Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
