She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize