Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
