just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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