Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize