Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
