I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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