I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
