I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
