Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
