How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize