eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
