Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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