Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
