this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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