Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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