do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
