I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
