Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize