Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
