new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
