Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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