Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
