She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
