if only i could text you this smell
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
