just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
