i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
