pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
