you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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