your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
