The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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