mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
