suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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