Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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