I faked an abortion last night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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