eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
