Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
