so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
