i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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