I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
