I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
