During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I want to be your penis for a week.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
