They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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