my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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