Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
