Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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