last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
