who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
