Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize