I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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