do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
