Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
