yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
