paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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